I was just reading a post by Zen Habits about being a patient parent. I don’t disagree with the post. If you are angry, you should probably take steps to calm down before dealing with your children. However, it brought some thoughts to mind.
Anger is Caused by Stress
Think of the things that make you angry. I can name a few:
- Being stuck in traffic
- Somebody demanding something at the last freaking minute
- Somebody taking your parking spot
- Somebody pushing your buttons
- Personal attacks against you
- Children tracking mud through the house
- Other stuff children do
These things cause stress, which then leads to anger. If you think about a common thread that the listed items have, it comes down to expecting one thing and getting another. We get so caught up on wanting something to be a certain way that we lose it when it comes out different.
Do We Expect Too Much?
If you live in a large city where the morning commute is a bitch, you’re probably expecting too much if it makes you angry. The facts are that you live in a large city and the morning commute is a bitch. Why are you expecting something different? Don’t you think the other drivers want to get to where they are going faster as well?
If somebody demands something done at the last possible moment, this can cause stress because you have to do things that normally take longer to do in a shorter period of time. You expect to have the usual time to do things. You can save yourself stress by saying that you can’t.
If somebody takes your parking spot, you get angry because you obviously expected to be able to park in that space. Unless it has your name on it, is it your space? If it is, you can have the satisfaction of calling a tow truck. Otherwise, quit being a baby and find another parking space.
There are people in this world who have a natural talent for pushing your buttons. Their sole purpose on this earth is to piss you, and everybody else, off. Or is it? Maybe your expectation of said people is that they will behave decently towards you. Accept them for the jerks they are. You can’t change them.
As for personal attacks against you, what did you do to deserve it? If you really did nothing to deserve a personal attack, do you really expect that life is fair? Honestly? What makes you so special that nothing bad will happen to you? Don’t get mad; deal with it.
How Lower Expectations Applies to Parenting
Getting to the main point, children will do things like track mud through the house, clog your toilet, leave toys all over the place, and so many things that children do. You are probably being unreasonable in your expectations. Children are far from perfect creatures. By definition, they don’t know things, they don’t understand things, and they forget things. By definition as a parent, it’s your job to teach, explain, and remind them. Most of all, it is your job to set an example and to mentor them. If they make a mistake, it’s a perfect teaching opportunity.
Are We Born Knowing?
I think many times we expect our children to know and understand things on their own. We expect them to have the same values as we do. That’s what it all comes down to. We have to teach our children to value the same things we do. They should value themselves, value a clean floor, value each other, and value the things we expect from them. When you get angry, they focus on your anger, not their lapse in judgment. They may know you want a clean room, but did you ever explain why a clean room is important? What is a clean room? When you ask them to clean their room, make a list of key deliverables rather than just a blanket request.
Teach Them
If you are getting angry at your kids, perhaps you should figure out why they anger you. This way, you can teach them what you value and they can share that value. Define what you mean. Expect them to be lousy at implementing until they have had a lot of practice. Having children is a lot like having a new employee. You have to train and develop them constantly. If they lapse, train some more.
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