Sunday, September 25, 2005

A Disturbing Dream

The other morning, I awoke at 5:30 in the morning. Normally, the alarm wakes me up to get my daughter up for school. What awoke me was the need to go to the bathroom, but I could not sleep afterwards. What kept me awake was the dream I had prior to waking up. In my dream, my life was different.

Alma and I were divorced. In the dream, it was already a done deal. We had long separated and worked out our issues. There was no going back. We had separate homes. She had remarried. Tien was staying with me and Magnus was staying with his mom. Alma also had a stepson with her new husband, about Tien's age. In my dream, we lived within walking distance of each other, which probably served to shorten th length of the dream.

What was really disturbing was the emotion of the situation. I felt happiness for Alma, that she was able to move on with her life and find happiness without me. I did, however, feel a sense of loss. This was similar to the loss you feel when somebody dies. It was a longing for something you'll never have again. A longing for the intimate conversations, the sharing a bed, and the common sense of purpose. Being married, it's nice to have somebody who shares your goals and sense of direction. I no longer had that connection with Alma. It was just me against the world. Alma had that connection with somebody else. She had different goals and a different direction.

In this dream, there was no bitterness or hatred. We had simply grown apart and could not see ourselves in the same relationship as we had for so many years. What kept me awake was what I was missing in my dream. It carried over into my waking mind from the dream.

It leads me to question. Am I doing everything I can to stay connected with Alma? We hardly get to see each other except on Sundays due to our schedules. If we ever did grow apart, would I accept the change and move on, or would I linger on the loss? Conversely, am I getting what I need out of the relationship? What could I do different to continue the marriage? Did I have the dream as a warning against what might be? Or was it a premonition of what is to come?

I do have a plan in case it all falls apart. I'll never seek companionship from another woman again. If I'm lonely, I'll get a dog. I believe that Alma and I will be family forever because we have children together. I would have the respect and love for her as a family member should things not work out as a married couple. Seeking companionship with another would complicate life with jealousies, Holiday scheduling, and all the nonsense that divorced couples heap upon themselves when they remarry. I'd rather live alone and focus on work and doing those things that I would not be able to do as a married person.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to stay married to this woman. I'll need to be more focused on the family and less on helping others who don't appreciate it and who don't really need my help. I should let go and become the great person inside me who I keep suppressing.
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